Monday, January 4, 2016

The Quiet Pregnancy Announcement

Yesterday I found out I am pregnant.  I am thrilled, but so apprehensive at the same time.  I know how common miscarriages are, and I want so badly to hear that heartbeat and the doctor say everything's developing beautifully before I let the excitement overtake me.

This will be our first baby! I told Ri last night when he got home from work.  I left work early to run to Hallmark and grab an ornament to hang on our tree.  The ornament's a tool belt with a teddy bear, rattle, and bottle in the pockets and it says "Welcome to Dadhood" :) I placed it on the tree and told him that his ornament came early this year and he should look for it on the tree.  He was shocked.  He hugged me so tightly and I didn't want him to let go.  We both are feeling so much right now, and have A LOT to educate ourselves on about pregnancy and babies.  I can't think about anything else.

It should have come as no surprise to either one of us, but I think we thought it would take much longer.  I even assumed we may struggle with infertility because that heartbreaking journey seems to be prevalent for a lot of women I admire.  It is not lost on me how lucky we are to even be able to get pregnant, even if this pregnancy ends in a miscarriage.

Because we're 2 weeks from Christmas, Ri and I both started plotting how we were going to tell our families on Christmas Day.  Although, I'm pretty sure 2 of our sisters and our brother already suspect I might be pregnant since I refused one of his famous margaritas last night.  Last night before bed, we both second-guessed whether or not Christmas will be the day to share our news, because I will not have been to the doctor yet.  The appointment is 4 days later.  We'd hate to get everyone so excited only to shatter their joy 4 days later if the doctor cannot find a heartbeat or the baby isn't developing properly.  We still have time to mull over the decision of when to tell our close friends and family.  We will definitely be following the rule of sharing the good news only with the people we would also be willing to share we had a miscarriage.

I bawled in the car on the way home yesterday when Faith Hill's "A Baby Changes Everything" came on in my car.  But that song normally makes me tear up anyway so who knows if I can blame it on the pregnancy hormones.  How fitting that God has already given us such a gift this Christmas season? The message of Jesus coming suddenly speaks to my heart on a deeper level.

I had a miscarriage.  My husband and I have spent New Year's weekend holed up at home, lying low and soaking in what's happening.  We cancelled plans with great friends New Year's Eve once the signs turned from skepticism to obvious.

The hardest part so far in going through all of this is sharing the news with those close to us and inadvertently replacing their excitement and happiness with sadness.  When we told my family on Christmas morning, my parents were thrilled, but MY SISTERS.  My sisters lost their minds.  They were screaming and crying.  It was hilarious.  And one of my best friends shared the news with us earlier this week that she is pregnant and due this July.  I am so happy for her and trying to think of the best way to tell her we will not be comparing notes week by week for the next 8 months as originally thought and experiencing first pregnancies together.

At first, Ri and I were oddly okay.  It was almost as if we did not believe it or did not have any attachment to this baby for which we had not yet heard the heartbeat.  Each day since has honestly gotten tougher, but I am so thankful for my husband and his strength.  He has taken on all of the housework, planned meals and made dinner, and put me to bed early when the early pregnancy exhaustion overtook me.  He came to bed with me when he was not tired at all and had more things he wanted to do, but knew I really needed him.  He knew what I needed without me having to say it.

I think I cry now more because of the emotion that overtakes me when I think of the love he has shown me in the last month and a half and I feel as though I have not shown him that love in all our marriage.  The biggest thing I am going to take away from this experience is that I am going to love him more intentionally.

The silver lining in all of this has been seeing our love grow over the joy and loss.  We never spend entire weekends at home sitting on the couch or just being.  We have connected more over the uncertainty of this new life and life lost and become faithful together.

2016... we got this.

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